Its a crisp autumn night, with only the slightest hint of chill in the air. Perfect weather for your favorite thing in the world: trick-or-treating!
Thats right! Today is October 31, which means its time to celebrate Halloween and go out hunting for the mouth pleasures known as candy. Are you ready to hit the streets and load up your bucket?
This is what its all about. The crystallized fantasies known as candy, those sugary catastrophes that your tongue lusts for. Normally, your parents dont let you eat too much candy, but on Halloween you can swallow all the sweet filth you want!
However, to go trick-or-treating, youre going to need a costume. What do you want to dress up as?
You threw together a last-minute costume using whatever you could find in your closet, and now youre a garbage vampire. The plastic fangs look totally fake, and for some reason theres a knife in your head. Also, apparently Dracula has black eyes now. Every second you wear this awful costume youre continually pissing on Bram Stokers grave.
However, its technically a Halloween costume and will be good enough for trick-or-treating.
You dress up as a sexy half-naked worm vixen, ready to writhe seductively and bare your taut skin in the frigid air.
This is hardly even a costume. Its more like a stripper outfit. Youre way too young to dress up in something this erotic, and everyone will feel weird and uncomfortable looking at you.
You dress up as the man who shook his fist at the sky and as punishment was cursed to forever hold up Earth. The businessman suit looks completely convincing, and the papier-mch globe and deity hand you built look amazing. Everyone will be terrified when they see this spooktacular costume!
You dress up as the terrifying Woman With Personal Problems, who tries her best but has challenges in her life with no easy answers. She doesnt know what to do and feels trapped. This spine-chilling costume will creep everyone out!
To go trick-or-treating, youre going to need a costume. What do you want to dress up as?
Not so fast, champ, says your dad. Before you go out trick-or-treating, we have to tell you some Halloween safety rules. Taking candy from strangers is a great idea, and we encourage it, but not all strangers can be trusted.
Your mom nods in agreement.
Thats right, she says. Halloween is a fun holiday, but there are bad folks out there who want to spoil your fun.
Your dad sighs. Well, its a bit complicated, kiddo. Some people are just broken inside, and they feel pain all the time because of it. They lash out at the world so that other people will also hurt and understand what theyre going through.
Your parents stand up and begin shouting in unison.
THE RULES OF HALLOWEEN:
Rule 1: Do not eat unwrapped candy out of a mans hand, for he has surely poisoned it.
Rule 2: Beware the razor blade, the face knife that is not candy. If someone tries to feed you a razor blade, ask for candy instead.
Rule 3: The most important rule. Candy is essential, and you must do whatever it takes to obtain it. Should a homeowner refuse your request for candy, employ the foul stratagem known as a trick. Do whatever mischief is required to get the creamy pastes and brittle crystals your tongue lusts for.
Also, youre too young to go trick-or-treating by yourself. Ask your big sister to go with you.
Forget it, twerp, says your big sister. Trick-or-treating is for babies. Im not going trick-or-treating with you.
Hey, sport, I notice youre sneaking out the front door to trick-or-treat alone and disobeying our direct order, says your dad. This is a wonderful Halloween trick, and were very proud of you.
Yes, ignoring your parents is a classic trick, says your mom. Have fun out there, and fill your bucket with a candy apocalypse!
You walk down the street until you find a house, a type of building used to hold candy. The usual Halloween protocol is to knock on the door and then chant the Trick-or-Treaters Threat.
A man answers the door.
How cute, a costumed young person! he says. Unfortunately, I do not have any candy to give you. I truly wish that I had delicious candy in my pantry that I could share with you, but alas, I do not. I suppose you should probably go try another house.
Youre not going to let him get away with not giving you candy. What trick do you want to pull?
The man grabs some candy out of his pocket and presents it to you.
Okay, I was lying about not having candy! Take these colorful disasters and leave me in peace!
Well done! Youve scored your first candy of the night. Its not much, but its a good start.
The next house down the block has some gourds outside, a very promising sign. Gourds are the official Halloween fruit people carve scowls into to show that they are on board with the holiday. Whoever lives here must be nuts about Halloween and probably has tons of candy to give out.
The door swings open, and youre greeted by a crowd of people who like Halloween too much. They have transformed their entire house into a wreck of fake cobwebs and eerie fog.
You are our first trick-or-treater, they tell you. We have lots of candy for you, but first you have to brave our spooky surprises!
That is wonderful Halloween news! We love being tricked and having bad things happen to us. Please do your worst trick.
You arent sure if tricks work against people who enjoy tricks. Maybe looking at their spooky surprises would give you a better chance of getting candy.
You use the famous trick of throwing paper onto a tree. The Halloween fans applaud and cheer while you ruin their yard with your mischievous bathroom product.
You douse the structure with gasoline, strike a match, and use the famous trick of setting fire to their house. The Halloween fans clap and cheer as you reduce everything they own to ashes.
Thank you for unleashing that horrible trick on us! You have caused us intense problems. This is the best Halloween ever!
Oh no, they dont seem scared at all. Theyre happy you played a trick on them!
No. We are Halloween purists and believe very strongly in the principle of trick-OR-treat, not trick-AND-treat. Now that youve tricked us, you cant have candy.
Damn it, looks like you screwed up. Theres nothing else to do but go to another house and start fresh. Its the last house on your block, so try not to mess it up this time.
You bravely walk into the October night, empty bucket clutched in your hand. Where do you want to go trick-or-treating?
You decide to go trick-or-treating at a candy store in hopes that they have candy there. It looks like your bet paid off big time: There are heaps of confectioners madness everywhere you look. Chewballs! Choco-funk! Red mush! They have all your favorites!
Hold your horses there, young fella, says the owner of the candy store. Before you eat any candy, you have to purchase it with money.
Sorry, I cant just give away candy. But tell ya what, how about you drop out of school and come work for me in my shop, and Ill pay you in candy? You can have all the sweets you can eat!
You spend the next 15 years as an employee of the candy shop, ringing up customers and restocking shelves. Its hard work, but its satisfying when you help a shopper find the perfect treat to eat or to give as a gift. True to his word, the candy store owner lets you snack on as much candy as you want, and you always feel sick and happy.
Then, one day, the candy store owner calls you over and asks you to sit down. He seems to have something troubling him.
Bad news: Im dying, he says gravely. Im old and its my time to go. Thank you for your loyal service all these years. As a token of my gratitude, Im leaving you the candy store in my will.
He wipes away a tear.
I know youre just the child I paid candy to work in my store, but Ive come to think of you as my own child.
After the funeral, you return to the shop feeling sad but hopeful. This is your store now, your dream come true. You get to be surrounded by candy all day, every day. What more could you ask for?
The bell on the front door jangles to alert you to a new customer entering the shop. You compose yourself and put a friendly smile on your face. Its hard to act happy right now, but its what the candy store owner would have wanted.
This is the police, says the policeman. We have received reports that this store hired an underage child and also only paid them in candy, both of which are very illegal. I have a warrant to arrest the owner of this shop. You are under arrest.
You are now doomed to spend the rest of your life in jail, a place with very little candy! At least you managed to eat lots of candy before your arrest, but it probably would have made more sense to just go trick-or-treating.
You take out an egg and show it to the man, who flinches in terror.
Please, dont crush the egg, he pleads. Eggs belong as foods, not tricks. I swear that I have no candy to give you!
You crush the egg in your fist, sending goopy yellow yolk running down your arm and splattering all over your costume. The man screams until he runs out of breath and then grovels at your feet begging for mercy.
You take out a photo of a sunburn and show it to the man, who flinches in terror.
Please, dont bring that photo any closer, he pleads. Sunburns are not my favorite. I swear that I have no candy to give you!
You bring the photo really close to show off how grisly and ghoulish the sunburn is. The man screams until he runs out of breath and then grovels at your feet begging for mercy.
I think Im just broken inside, says the man glumly. I wanted to deny you happiness because I have trouble feeling happy.
Thank you, that means a lot, he says. Its good knowing I have a friend.
Great job! You not only got some candy, you made a new friend!
Oh yeah? Your sister gets a devilish gleam in her eye. I bet you wouldnt even want to go out trick-or-treating tonight if you knew the story of Innocent Steve.
One hundred years ago, on this very night, our town executed Innocent Steve for having committed suspiciously few crimes, says your sister.
He was an extremely polite man, and he also built this towns sanitation system, and, eerily, he never hurt anyone. The townsfolk became afraid of how innocent he was and hanged him alive and also burnt him at the stake.
With his dying breath, Innocent Steve vowed revenge against the town, your sister cackles evilly. He swore to come back from the grave in exactly 100 years, which happens to be today, and claim the souls of the towns children!
Now do you still want to go trick-or-treating even though Innocent Steve might be out there?
Do whatever you want, but leave me out of it, she says. Ive got plans tonight with other cool teens to go drink coffee at the cemetery. Thats how adults celebrate Halloween.
Wow, what a waste of a Halloween. Instead of going out to get candy, you spend all night hiding in your bed reading books. Just pathetic.
You decide to go trick-or-treating at some dudes van, which is parked in the forest near the highway.
The vans door slides open and some dude climbs out.
Hello! Welcome to my van, which is my home, he says. He then glances at your costume and nods thoughtfully. Is it Halloween already? I noticed the trees were changing color, and that usually happens around Halloween.
I did some bad things because Im just broken inside, explains the man. As punishment, the government said I cant live inside towns anymore.
Why of course! I have some candy triangles right here, unwrapped for your convenience, says the man eagerly. Eat all the triangles you want! Eat!
You greedily gobble down handfuls of triangles, savoring the succulent waxen flavor.
I have some bad news for you, says the man.
I poisoned the candy you just ate, he says. Youve been poisoned.
You run home while sobbing miserably, blubbering about all the poison you ate. This is the worst Halloween ever!
Your parents notice you walk in and call you over.
Looks like youve been poisoned, says your dad. You didnt listen to us, and now youre full of poison.
Your mom nods. Were very disappointed in you.
On Monday, you go back to school, where the other kids talk about all the fun they had on Halloween. You keep silent, upset that everyone else had a great time while you just got poisoned.
Suddenly, you feel someone tapping on your shoulder.
Its the girl who sits behind you. Hey, just thought you should know that everyone thinks its super uncool to get poisoned. Nobody likes you anymore.
You spend the rest of your childhood being called the Poisoned Kid and become a friendless loser. Nobody at school even bullies you. They just dont care about you at all.
You decide to go trick-or-treating at the old abandoned mine. It was shut down after all those workers vanished mysteriously and nobody has been here in decades. It must have can