I dont think it’s humanly possible to emphasize just how much I hate New Years Eve.
Coming second to Valentines Day, New Year’s Eve is the holiday I love to loathe. Its full of couples wearing matching sparkly outfits and party hats, and making decisions to take their relationships to the next level in the new year (gag me).
Hell, the first article I ever wrote for Elite Daily was a list of New Years Eve ideas for the single girl homebody whod rather chill in her PJs at the stroke of midnight than be surrounded by slews of vomit-inducing, happily cuffed couples.
In case you couldn’t tell, I was very single then, and I’m still very single now.
Singles experience the holidays much differently than couples do. They turn on themselves and feel ashamed for being single moreso than they do any other time of the year. For that reason, the midnight kiss, that stupid, f*cking, pent-up-for-no-reason, isolating midnight kiss, might just be the most dreaded moment of the entire year for singles.
So, lets get one thing straight here, coupled-up girl: I dont care how cute the imprint of your purple holiday lipstick looks on BAEs cheek. Save that sh*t for a photo op because I really dont need my supposedly “special” night to go down in history as the nightmare in which I got second-hand salivated on by one of the millions of people ferociously making out around me.
Im already going to have to spend it warding off a bunch of uglies (Yes, the unfortunate truth is that regardless of how you want your New Year’s Eve night to turn out, if you are single and you do decide to go out, its never really the hot ones who accidentally fall onto your lips. It’s the uglies).
Anyway, here are all the thoughts that go through your head when you don’t have a frog to kiss on New Year’s Eve, AGAIN, for, like, the millionth time:
1. All right, I made it.
*Scans room and sees all couples and ugly single people*
2. Is it too late to turn back?
3. Ugh, whatever. I’ll just be drinking from this wine bottle all night. Cheers, everyone.
4. How did I end up making it to 25 years without having a single good NYE kiss?
5. Am I that ugly that no one attractive wants to kiss me?
6. Yep, all the good ones are gay, or straight, but taken.
7. F*ck this sh*t. Im going to spend my next New Years at the local animal shelter adopting a million cats, because clearly, thats my pre-determined destiny.
8. I knew I should have stayed home with my pillow pet and bottle(s) of Cabernet.
9. I literally hate every single person at this party.
10. No, no, not every UNCOUPLED person. Just every damn person. Single people, youre my people.
11. *Points to couple to the right:* You suck; go die.
12. NO! I DIDNT MEAN YOU CAN GO SUCK FACE SOME MORE. Jesus.
13. Eh, at least Im not kissing anyone in this room because theyre all horridly disgusting.
14. Except for that brooding hottie in the corner. Who is HE?
15. I need to find a way to kill my sex drive for the night.
16. Only for tonight, though, because for the most part, I enjoy being a horny little minx on the reg.
17. Ok, quick, Sheena, find something to think about.
*Thinks about Dad.*
19. OK, glad I got that out of my system.
20. Ugh, now I feel dirty. Like, need-to-take-a-shower dirty.
21. Its always been funny to me how no one bothers to talk to me all night, yet somehow, a straight male strategically pops up within a three-foot radius of me at 11:59:50. Whats up with that?
22. What am I supposed to do at midnight?
23. Should I just stare at the ground?
24. Shall I blow sadly on my noise-maker?
25. Or blow somethin else, if ya know what I mean?
27. If I have to ring in the new year pushing some heinous dudes face away from me yet again, I will seriously slap everyone with a f*cking restraining order.
28. Even the ones who dont try to kiss me.
29. Just because its 12 oclock doesnt mean you can be rapey.
30. This isnt the one minute of the year you just to happen to get a free face-rape pass.
31. Yknow, whoever threw this party should have provided all the chicks with a whistle so we could blow it every time someone tried to get near us.
32. OMG, its almost midnight.
33. When the clock strikes 12, heres what Im going to do: Im going to make a beeline for the nearest bathroom and just station myself in there. With my wine bottle, obvs.
*Opens the bathroom door and finds a couple having sex*
34. ALL RIGHT THEN. Never mind.
35. This is slightly worse than last year, but better than two years ago. Three years ago wasthe winner, by far.
36. Ok, I’ve decided that NEXT year will be MY year.
37. Itll be the year that hot, tatted-up guy rocking that whole Johnny-Depp-distressed look will finally emerge from the corner and lock lips with me.
38. ILL have the last laugh. Youll see.
39. …But until that day comes, you can find me in the corner, talking to myself, with a champagne bottle in one hand and my phone in the other (because I’m texting my ex).
*Midnight approaches, takes a swig from the wine bottle, drops the bottle and drops to the floor.*